Olympic shopping

Shopping should really be an Olympic sport.

Competitors grab your trolleys. On your marks, get set, go! See them dodging the shelf-stackers, the dreaded floor polisher and reps with sausages-on-sticks. At speed, they fill the trolley with their lists of items, sprinting around the store, squealing around corners and nearly knocking elderly ladies away from the pick-'n-mix sweeties. Critics are forced to admit how tough the course actually is. Toilet roll pyramids tumble. Backed bean stacks topple. No one is left unscathed.

Then after a party with jelly and tennis biscuits, the medallists, get to go home and cook the stuff in the trolley for dinner. (Hopefully it is edible and not lightbulbs or dishwasher).

Ah. The Games. Reaching for dreams...the chocolate dreams...my favourites...

The Walk-Through

This is another invention (patent pending) for people who are just too tired at the end of the day to have a bath or shower. So on their way home from work, they stop off at the "Walk-Through" which is like a car-wash - but for people. Fully clothed, they are foamed, scrubbed, washed, rinsed, blow-dried (hair especially), teeth brushed and clothes pressed (while on) and steam-ironed. This would also be useful if you were running late for a date! So all you have to do is go home, collapse on your bed, or jump into the car with your date - depending on the state of urgency.


All marathon runners really look like they could do with some pampering from a "Walk Through"...

Roomful of puppies (patent pending)

This is my new invention. It's called a "roomful of puppies" (patent pending) and will replace all the loud, slow paper-shredders required by busy corporations with loud, fast and furry demolition teams.

No paper of any importance should be left in the Roomful of Puppies as this will instantly be shredded. Any furniture or items of clothing such as shoes, should likewise not be left in the Roomful of Puppies for any length of time as the Puppy shredders cannot be held accountable for their own puppy brains.

Similarly children with important homework should not leave this in the vicinity of the Roomful of Puppies as said homework will not only be shredded, but also often eaten to destroy the evidence.

Only the best Puppy shredders will be chosen of course - not according to pedigree - but according to their ability to destroy household furnishings, dig holes to China and shred anything from shells, to razors, toothbrushes and shoes.

OLD FILTH

"Old Filth" by Jane Gardam is a brilliant book, with a title and jacket that misleads one into thinking it will be about corrupt modern life.

Instead it is the memory of the elderly, Sir Edward Feathers, of his life as a Raj orphan, international lawyer and judge.

If this fictional story seems appallingly too realistic in places, it may be due to the author's knowledge of Rudyard Kipling's Autobiography and friends who were Raj orphans or involved in wartime convoys.

The central character, Edward (aka "Teddy" or "Fevvers") endures and survives, not only World War II, but a childhood marked by abuse and neglect to become an esteemed judge. The title of the book is taken from Eddie's reference to himself as Failed in London, Try Hong Kong (Filth).

I picked up the book to read again as one of my favourites. Jumping into the narrative is like embracing an old friend. Despite the many painful memories of Old Filth, the writing is so beautiful, moving and humorous that the story is encouraging and uplifting. You want to meet Old Filth and in fact suspect that his character lies behind the faces of many elderly folk edging their way around horrendously hectic modern life.

Like the gentleman I saw today in black blazer and medals, collecting for the Memorable Order of Tin Hats (MOTH). As their Order states, their purpose is "to help fellow comrades in need, either financially or physically and to remember all servicemen who have answered the Sunset Call, both in war and peace time".

My daughter asked "What is that mom?" But she knows that her great-grandfather fought in the First and Second World Wars. Do generations forget so soon the freedoms bought at so high a price? Read "Old Filth" and remember.

Racing - Playstation or for real?

Top Gear's Jeremy Clarkson answered the question on everyone's lips: "If you can race really fast on Playstation - could you do the same thing on a real track in a real car?"

Well, maybe not everyone is asking that question. But I'm sure there are many sofa-race-car drivers and beanbag top-gun pilots who have always wondered whether they could cut the mustard in reality. And there are those simulation computer-type games used by the army, navy and NASA - aren't there?

So Jeremy timed himself on his Playstation race and then took off for the real track and timed himself again, and wouldn't you know it? He could not beat his Playstation time. He was really faster on the sofa than on the track. When it came to those scarey turns at high speed, he couldn't help braking.
One doesn't have those fears in a game.

In fact, I am extremely good at crashing on the very first Playstation turn, driving into railings, driving backwards, driving forwards - in the wrong direction - and generally losing every time I play my daughter. Which is why I never play racing games. She knows by now not to ask. She even says, "But mom, this time I'll let you win." But somehow even that is not enough.

Speed away Sonic Hedgehog and Crash Bandicoot. I know my limitations. I will stick to games I have half a chance of surviving the first round. Like Lego Starwars or Lego Batman. My character survives, even if I accidentally jump off cliffs. Oh, yes. Another thing I'm not so good at. Jumping - then there is flying. Navigation. It's best if she plays and I make helpful suggestions...

Sims - the 3D dolls

My daughter loves to play with the Sims. Her Sims are PG rated Castaways and she is always saying "Look at what I am calling this one", and designing new outfits, makeup and even faces for them. They have families and surprisingly sophisticated castaway homes. I wouldn't mind being one of her Sims, but couldn't understand the fascination with the game. Then the penny dropped.

We used to play with dolls. There was Barbie, also with wardrobe accessories, sold separately (always losing her shoes) and some kids had Ken or Action Men. Kids played pretend with dolls and these dolls had lives and families or in the case of boys' action figures, attacked the other dolls and their families. So the Sims is kind of another way of playing dolls, while kids also learn the processes involved in day-to-day living.

Now all I have to figure out is why adults are still playing with their Sim-dolls...?

From Colonel to OB1

I watched "Bridge over the River Kwai" starring John Gielgud (later Sir) of which I had vague childhood memories. And for a cold, winter afternoon, became totally immersed in the steamy Burmese jungle - slapping away mosquitoes. So beautiful and yet so cruel.

What an amazing actor. To think that Gielgud would later become known to an entire younger generation only as OB1 (or Ben Kenobi) in the first Star Wars epic is ironic. He portrays the colonel of a captured British force so convincingly - courageous, eccentric and totally confounding. (Only matched perhaps by Peter Sellers as Major Bloodknock in the Goon Show.) The story is moving, frustrating and brilliantly filmed.

Run to Lady Antebellum's grindingly good country

A deep, velvet voice grinds out the words:

"I run from hate
I run from prejudice
I run from pessimists
But I run to thee (this?)"

Then the creamy, silken tones:

"I run my life
Or is it running me?
Run from my past
I run too fast
Or too slow it seems"

Then combine the two:

"When lies become the truth
That's when I run to you"

And it's magic.

"This world keeps spinning faster/To a new disaster" is perfect harmony.
"When it all starts coming undone
Baby you're the only one I run to
I run to you".

Anything better? Maybe another dose with "I need you now"? Lady Antebellum is grindingly good country.

Amazing art

From portraits of babies, to lions glowing on velvet and stunning murals, local artist Gareth Humphreys creates work full of life, light and beauty.

He is also a sculptor and created a beautiful dolphin for Amber's Path. This is a unique area of its own, designed by a grandmother as a creative, fun area for her granddaughter, but then contributed to by other children in the community.

Gareth is a self-taught artist and has built up a portfolio for the past nine years that includes portraits from photographs, murals, landscapes, bathroom designs and painted mosaics. The music playing in the background alters according to the mood of the painting. As Rachmaninov plays in the background, he looks out from his studio over the ocean and paints or chats to passers-by.

But it has to be one of those still, warm days, with the sun shining off the sea. A sleepy Saturday or Sunday afternoon. Folk walking dogs, children riding bicycles and an artist, painting.
To see more of his work, visit http://www.southafricanartists.com/

Play with those toys!

I love toyshops. Walk in, sigh, feel right at home. And the best ones have all sorts of strange, odd, funny-looking things you can't figure out. My daughter and I say, "Look at this", "Try this" and we press buttons and play with things. I know it may irritate some store owners, but the most successful stores have their employees playing with the demonstration model of the toy - for very good reason! In any toystore, at any time of day, you will see parents and grandparents staring blankly at the box of an airplane, helicopter, robot, transformer etc and they look up, catch your eye and say "I don't know what this is. How does it work?" We chat about the toy and if they are brave enough, they collar a member of staff who also usually looks at the toy and turns the box over to find the brief English description among all the other languages on the back.

My sister and I walked through all the floors of Hamleys in London, watching all the toy testers playing with toys, enticing Christmas shoppers. Who doesn't revert to childhood in a toystore? Was it you pressing the buttons on the dinosaurs as you walked past? Then hearing the roars? Woah, cool! Now about the helicopter-speedboat-transformer - what does it really do? Can we find a 10-year old and ask?

Alice in Wonder-why-land?

The Mad Hatter asks the riddle "Why is a raven like a writing desk?" But in regard to the latest film version of "Alice in Wonderland" starring Johnny Depp, one might just as easily ask "Why turn a funny children's classic into a dark, coming-of-age drama?" It is a pity when film-makers continue to re-work old classics, perhaps hoping to draw on the established fan base rather than creating a unique work.

In the process, this version of "Alice" turns into more of a computer game than a story and the eccentric humour of both Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass is totally lost. The plot becomes boringly predictable and the glorious costuming, make-up and set design are purposeless without the twists and turns of the original writing.

If nothing else, this film proves that a seemingly limitless budget covering special effects and creative departments cannot buy the original impact of the story and a child's imagination.

Unfortunately this raven is not like a writing desk - but more like a lead balloon.

The Great Goons

Our great joy this school holiday has been to listen to the Goon Show in the evenings, with dogs snoring at our feet, playing Mancala. My daughter has become so good at this game that she now beats me every time, and I feel like whining - rather like Bluebottle - "I'm not playing with you."

The Goon appeal lasts over generations. I found them hilarious and my daughter squeals with merriment at the sound effects. And with show titles like: "The Macreekie Rising of '74", "The Histories of Pliny the Elder" and "The Chinese Legs" you can imagine the impossible stories. As Miss Snut (?) says in "1985", "I have loved you from afar" and Neddy replies, "My favourite distance!"

For anyone new to the Goons, imagine Peter Sellers of The Pink Panther fame x3. My daughter wanted to find out more and so we rented the Pink Panther movies. I found them so funny as a child, was pleased to find my daughter also enjoyed them very much.

Peter Sellers, Spike Milligan and "Neddy"/Harry Secombe. Brilliant!

If moms ruled the world

At the store this morning, the shelf packer was whistling Andrea Boccelli's "Time to say Goodbye" in perfect pitch. I thought of all those who have opportunities and make no use of them, and all those who never had any.

The cashier was asking about my daughter: is she ready to go back to school after the holidays (is anyone, ever?) did she wish she had a sister or brother (every day) and why was it that children never have enough pencils? (the eternal enigma)

If moms ruled the world, wouldn't it be a more compassionate place?

A Disobedient Girl by Ru Freeman


The cover review on this novel by Margaret Foster says "I read it at a gallop desperate to discover what had happened" and this is inevitable when you pick up this novel focusing on relationships between women set in Sri Lanka.

Although the main focus is on an employer and her employee, the parallel narrative of a mother and her children compels the reader forward. As this family travels by train, the reader chugs, speeds and grinds along with them, feeling every step of their precarious journey.

It is also interesting that while the novel may be interpreted as a critique of the relationship that exists between mistress and servant, it is also a commentary on so many different levels of relationships between women - including friends, mothers and daughters, wives and mistresses, caregivers and those within their care.

And it is a heartbreaking reminder of how very important such little things can be to those who have absolutely nothing; a stick of chewing gum, an offered seat, a kind smile, a pair of sandals. What kind of a difference people are making in each others' lives every day - contributing tragedy or salvation.

This is a wonderfully thought-provoking read.

Pearl of China

The novel, "Pearl of China" by Anchee Min is one of the most moving stories I have ever read. After laughing at descriptions of Papa, the Popcorn Man or Bumpkin Emperor, I cried over accounts of the "cultural revolution" in China and the persecution of so many men, women and children from all walks of life. This is a story of friendship, loyalty and love that is heartrending in its simplicity. As a teenager living in China, Anchee Min was taught to denounce Nobel Prize winner, Pearl S. Buck as an American cultural imperialist. But after reading Pearl's book, "The Good Earth", decided to write this novel. You will read the book in one sitting - as it is impossible to put down until you know the fate of such wonderfully appealing characters. They linger in the mind as you think, I know this person. I recognize that person. It is my mother, my sister, my friend.

What Gear?

I don't usually watch Top Gear on the BBC, but it happened to be on the channel when the three blokes were testing clapped out cars in a variety of weird ways. They had to park on a steep incline in neutral, without using brakes, and get out. Jeremy Clarkson's car was invisible in clouds of smoke. Then they had to drive over a cobbled road with a colander of eggs slowly breaking over their heads. Lastly, they donned wetsuits and snorkels while their cars were filled with water and had to drive as far as they could until the water level dropped below the steering wheel. I was laughing so loudly my daughter came to see what was going on and joined in the hilarity. I thought, this is so familiar, but why? A tall man, curly hair, big feet, smoking car? Oh, yes! The circus. Those clowns with bits falling off their cars are a hard act to follow.

The Bold and the Hairless

Sometimes I wondered if my daughter was listening when we read Bible stories at night. Then I read:
"...all were amazed at the boldness of the apostles..."
And she said, "So they had no hair?"
And thus followed explanation of the difference between "bold" and "bald".
English is a crazy language.

Queen of the Night

Okay, so you think opera is not for children. But Mozart's "The Magic Flute" is a good place to start.

Let them listen to the aria sung by the Queen of the Night. I admit that I am not an opera expert and struggle to remember names of pieces of music that I really enjoy. But when you listen to this and pieces like "Suo Gan" sung by the Ambrosian Boys Choir, you realize "what a piece of work is man" - what spiritual heights human beings can reach!

Thank God for libraries

I love books. But at bookshops, I am like a child looking into a candystore, nose pressed against the glass, reading jackets and returning books to their glossy places on display.

I am not blaspheming when I say, "Thank God for libraries". My daughter and I spend countless hours in our local library and even if the library itself cannot afford all the latest titles, there are still always the classics that comfort us with their endurance.

When I visited my sister in the UK, all I saw were books, everywhere, and like one of those sad Eastern European refugees, was collared at the airport for over-heavy luggage.

"I know what it's like," the airport check-in girl twittered merrily, "you go shopping and before you know it you're over the limit." She was visualizing shoes and handbags, I was handing my sister my books.

Well. Thank God for libraries

Ruby Employers

Proverbs 31 verse 10 says how hard it is to find a "capable wife" who is "worth far more than jewels" and goes on to explain the skill of effective housekeeping.

But there should be an award - the Ruby Award - for the rare excellence of the "capable" employer who is not merely able to hire and pay staff, but is also a person worthy of respect in their eyes. This rare person would be someone who honoured his staff, not for high sales totals, but for being honest and having integrity. This employer would inspire people to want to work for them.

Are there such Ruby Employers out there? Men or women who know the true value within the hearts of their employees - to the extent that they see these people not as numbers or salary figures or labourers - but as colleagues?

This person would truly teach staff, not how to dodge work, call in sick or hide in their cubicles, but how to emerge and show their true colours. To inspire and motivate and know that each person can fulfill their potential. This person would accomplish that most elusive goal - of seeing each employee go home happy and further - return happy - to continue working the next day.