Olympic shopping

Shopping should really be an Olympic sport.

Competitors grab your trolleys. On your marks, get set, go! See them dodging the shelf-stackers, the dreaded floor polisher and reps with sausages-on-sticks. At speed, they fill the trolley with their lists of items, sprinting around the store, squealing around corners and nearly knocking elderly ladies away from the pick-'n-mix sweeties. Critics are forced to admit how tough the course actually is. Toilet roll pyramids tumble. Backed bean stacks topple. No one is left unscathed.

Then after a party with jelly and tennis biscuits, the medallists, get to go home and cook the stuff in the trolley for dinner. (Hopefully it is edible and not lightbulbs or dishwasher).

Ah. The Games. Reaching for dreams...the chocolate dreams...my favourites...

The Walk-Through

This is another invention (patent pending) for people who are just too tired at the end of the day to have a bath or shower. So on their way home from work, they stop off at the "Walk-Through" which is like a car-wash - but for people. Fully clothed, they are foamed, scrubbed, washed, rinsed, blow-dried (hair especially), teeth brushed and clothes pressed (while on) and steam-ironed. This would also be useful if you were running late for a date! So all you have to do is go home, collapse on your bed, or jump into the car with your date - depending on the state of urgency.


All marathon runners really look like they could do with some pampering from a "Walk Through"...

Roomful of puppies (patent pending)

This is my new invention. It's called a "roomful of puppies" (patent pending) and will replace all the loud, slow paper-shredders required by busy corporations with loud, fast and furry demolition teams.

No paper of any importance should be left in the Roomful of Puppies as this will instantly be shredded. Any furniture or items of clothing such as shoes, should likewise not be left in the Roomful of Puppies for any length of time as the Puppy shredders cannot be held accountable for their own puppy brains.

Similarly children with important homework should not leave this in the vicinity of the Roomful of Puppies as said homework will not only be shredded, but also often eaten to destroy the evidence.

Only the best Puppy shredders will be chosen of course - not according to pedigree - but according to their ability to destroy household furnishings, dig holes to China and shred anything from shells, to razors, toothbrushes and shoes.

Racing - Playstation or for real?

Top Gear's Jeremy Clarkson answered the question on everyone's lips: "If you can race really fast on Playstation - could you do the same thing on a real track in a real car?"

Well, maybe not everyone is asking that question. But I'm sure there are many sofa-race-car drivers and beanbag top-gun pilots who have always wondered whether they could cut the mustard in reality. And there are those simulation computer-type games used by the army, navy and NASA - aren't there?

So Jeremy timed himself on his Playstation race and then took off for the real track and timed himself again, and wouldn't you know it? He could not beat his Playstation time. He was really faster on the sofa than on the track. When it came to those scarey turns at high speed, he couldn't help braking.
One doesn't have those fears in a game.

In fact, I am extremely good at crashing on the very first Playstation turn, driving into railings, driving backwards, driving forwards - in the wrong direction - and generally losing every time I play my daughter. Which is why I never play racing games. She knows by now not to ask. She even says, "But mom, this time I'll let you win." But somehow even that is not enough.

Speed away Sonic Hedgehog and Crash Bandicoot. I know my limitations. I will stick to games I have half a chance of surviving the first round. Like Lego Starwars or Lego Batman. My character survives, even if I accidentally jump off cliffs. Oh, yes. Another thing I'm not so good at. Jumping - then there is flying. Navigation. It's best if she plays and I make helpful suggestions...

Sims - the 3D dolls

My daughter loves to play with the Sims. Her Sims are PG rated Castaways and she is always saying "Look at what I am calling this one", and designing new outfits, makeup and even faces for them. They have families and surprisingly sophisticated castaway homes. I wouldn't mind being one of her Sims, but couldn't understand the fascination with the game. Then the penny dropped.

We used to play with dolls. There was Barbie, also with wardrobe accessories, sold separately (always losing her shoes) and some kids had Ken or Action Men. Kids played pretend with dolls and these dolls had lives and families or in the case of boys' action figures, attacked the other dolls and their families. So the Sims is kind of another way of playing dolls, while kids also learn the processes involved in day-to-day living.

Now all I have to figure out is why adults are still playing with their Sim-dolls...?

From Colonel to OB1

I watched "Bridge over the River Kwai" starring John Gielgud (later Sir) of which I had vague childhood memories. And for a cold, winter afternoon, became totally immersed in the steamy Burmese jungle - slapping away mosquitoes. So beautiful and yet so cruel.

What an amazing actor. To think that Gielgud would later become known to an entire younger generation only as OB1 (or Ben Kenobi) in the first Star Wars epic is ironic. He portrays the colonel of a captured British force so convincingly - courageous, eccentric and totally confounding. (Only matched perhaps by Peter Sellers as Major Bloodknock in the Goon Show.) The story is moving, frustrating and brilliantly filmed.

Run to Lady Antebellum's grindingly good country

A deep, velvet voice grinds out the words:

"I run from hate
I run from prejudice
I run from pessimists
But I run to thee (this?)"

Then the creamy, silken tones:

"I run my life
Or is it running me?
Run from my past
I run too fast
Or too slow it seems"

Then combine the two:

"When lies become the truth
That's when I run to you"

And it's magic.

"This world keeps spinning faster/To a new disaster" is perfect harmony.
"When it all starts coming undone
Baby you're the only one I run to
I run to you".

Anything better? Maybe another dose with "I need you now"? Lady Antebellum is grindingly good country.

Amazing art

From portraits of babies, to lions glowing on velvet and stunning murals, local artist Gareth Humphreys creates work full of life, light and beauty.

He is also a sculptor and created a beautiful dolphin for Amber's Path. This is a unique area of its own, designed by a grandmother as a creative, fun area for her granddaughter, but then contributed to by other children in the community.

Gareth is a self-taught artist and has built up a portfolio for the past nine years that includes portraits from photographs, murals, landscapes, bathroom designs and painted mosaics. The music playing in the background alters according to the mood of the painting. As Rachmaninov plays in the background, he looks out from his studio over the ocean and paints or chats to passers-by.

But it has to be one of those still, warm days, with the sun shining off the sea. A sleepy Saturday or Sunday afternoon. Folk walking dogs, children riding bicycles and an artist, painting.
To see more of his work, visit http://www.southafricanartists.com/

Alice in Wonder-why-land?

The Mad Hatter asks the riddle "Why is a raven like a writing desk?" But in regard to the latest film version of "Alice in Wonderland" starring Johnny Depp, one might just as easily ask "Why turn a funny children's classic into a dark, coming-of-age drama?" It is a pity when film-makers continue to re-work old classics, perhaps hoping to draw on the established fan base rather than creating a unique work.

In the process, this version of "Alice" turns into more of a computer game than a story and the eccentric humour of both Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass is totally lost. The plot becomes boringly predictable and the glorious costuming, make-up and set design are purposeless without the twists and turns of the original writing.

If nothing else, this film proves that a seemingly limitless budget covering special effects and creative departments cannot buy the original impact of the story and a child's imagination.

Unfortunately this raven is not like a writing desk - but more like a lead balloon.

If moms ruled the world

At the store this morning, the shelf packer was whistling Andrea Boccelli's "Time to say Goodbye" in perfect pitch. I thought of all those who have opportunities and make no use of them, and all those who never had any.

The cashier was asking about my daughter: is she ready to go back to school after the holidays (is anyone, ever?) did she wish she had a sister or brother (every day) and why was it that children never have enough pencils? (the eternal enigma)

If moms ruled the world, wouldn't it be a more compassionate place?

Thank God for libraries

I love books. But at bookshops, I am like a child looking into a candystore, nose pressed against the glass, reading jackets and returning books to their glossy places on display.

I am not blaspheming when I say, "Thank God for libraries". My daughter and I spend countless hours in our local library and even if the library itself cannot afford all the latest titles, there are still always the classics that comfort us with their endurance.

When I visited my sister in the UK, all I saw were books, everywhere, and like one of those sad Eastern European refugees, was collared at the airport for over-heavy luggage.

"I know what it's like," the airport check-in girl twittered merrily, "you go shopping and before you know it you're over the limit." She was visualizing shoes and handbags, I was handing my sister my books.

Well. Thank God for libraries

Mantis, crane, tiger

The beautiful perfection of dance in the form of the mantis, crane, snake, dragon or tiger.

Jackie Chan makes an unlikely dance artist. Modern films have depicted him as the action hero, defeating city gangsters. But one of his older films, showing village characters and his great sense of humour, has one of the best examples of choreograhpy - whether for dance or martial arts.

Mikhail Barishnikov paid tribute to Gene Kelly's contribution to the world of dance. And in an interview, Jackie Chan described how Buster Keaton and Gene Kelly or Fred Astaire would have to get the routine perfectly mastered. No blue screens or technology.

That is the beauty of this film of Jackie Chan's - and I can't even remember the name of it! My daughter watched it at least four times. This is the real test. Whether a film or book is old or new, if it is great, we will want it again and again.

Larkrise to Candleford

This is a particularly beautiful series, of the kind that is only done with such sensitivity and detail by the BBC. Characterising village life in England, it is a joy to watch, not only the story that unfolds, but also the attention paid to costume and set. The embroidery, tea cups or workmen's tools. Well done indeed.

I was reading, "Chewing the Cud" by Dick King-Smith, the unlikely author of "Babe the Gallant Pig" or the story of the pig that wanted to be a sheepdog. It is a wonderfully encouraging autobiography written by a man whose own life would make a wonderful series or film, it is so varied and amusing.

Like James Herriot and Gerald Durrell, these men have a way of making the ordinary extra-wonderful!

In Durrell's "Menagerie Manor" he comments that animals only really need decent food and clean living conditions to have a fair chance at survival. I wondered why we can't even do this for humans, especially human children these days?

Liberating technology

Just as the invention of the printing press freed so many minds from the tyranny of the few, so the internet, blog sites and self-publishing have enabled so many people to express their thoughts. And these give glimpses into humanity that have been shut down by more formal processes.

Because it seems that as soon as there is a way to say something, people start attaching lengthy conditions, and limiting imagination to circumscribed areas.

Thank goodness for the imagination of a child, that sees no limits.

Hot chocolate cake

There is nothing quite like the smell of cake baking in the kitchen. Add cocoa to that and it is pretty close to heaven. I would like to rain blessings down on those who first discovered the magic of the cocoa bean - was it the Aztecs? My daughter says cake is supposed to cool off, just as pudding is supposed to be hot. Does anyone know why? Cake, warm from the oven, topped with a glace icing tastes so great - even better with ice-cream. The contrast in taste, texture and temperature!

Okay, the reason for extolling the virtues of the kitchen, is a rainy day, when dogs are literally chasing each other's tails and chewing up anything that doesn't move, a child on holiday and a rented DVD that didn't want to work. We have been going through a Bruce-Lee/Jackie Chan marathon. The young man at the video shop said, "For a boy, well..." and proceeded with suggestions while I just thought, "Hmmm, he doesn't know some girls..." I mean, what girl can resist Bruce-Lee flying through the air and laying waste to tables, chairs and assorted villains?

Now the dogs have fallen asleep, I can hear raindrops on the roof and a stew is bubbling slowly on the stove. Peace! Until the next, "Mom!"

I remember when Kitty cat had her kittens the day before Christmas. She lay next to me on my bed and just started pushing at me with her paws. She didn't even make a sound. I woke up my daughter (at 6:30am) so she could see the babies being born and she was fine with it - very non-squeamish. As soon as all six were out, we relocated kitty to her baby-bath bed with all her new babies.

We called them the Stripey Family as they were dark-grey striped and pale grey.

They were very popular with my daughter and a visiting friend who kept popping in every few minutes to check on kittens' progress. But there was a sign on the bedroom door - "no dogs allowed" - since bouncy puppy was an irritation to kitty and got his nose swiped for his impertinence at peeping in at her.

Max - the Jack Russell-cross-Maltese puppy - is also known as Mad Max, Max-Attacks, Maximillian Mouse or the Marshmallow (when he is asleep). He was very nearly turned into a handbag-dog when the girls were visiting as they tended to carry him around like a handbag. He somehow managed to tolerate all the attention and lick everyone democratically.

I managed to keep my head above poop level - puppy poop and kitty poop.

When my daughter went to bed Kitty regarded her with lemony eyes and all you could hear was quiet suckling of her babies and purring.

Talents and treats

On a baking hot Saturday, when folk would not be blamed for feeling that they were melting if they stood too long in one spot, dozens of volunteers manned their posts for their church bazaars.

Ladies and gents at the outside stalls at St Bernard's Anglican Church bazaar mopped sweat off their brows but bravely soldiered on, selling second hand goodies, books and toys. Inside were a mouthwatering selection of cakes and treats and in the church itself, an orchid and art display.

The AGS Church was also packed and running out of parking. The church building was full of stalls, including food....etc etc look at brochure. Outside, children were entertained with a playground and petting zoo, slide, 4x4s and jumping castles.

The talent competition had the children showing off their stuff, from singing and dancing to a violin piece by twins. One of the judges was Jacques Gombault of TV fame and he explained that the judges were looking for honest performances and wanted children to be themselves, not pretend to be their favourite star. They should also be age-appropriate in material they chose. All children who participated were congratulated for braving the stage and entertaining the appreciative audience. They were all winners for their courage, but the judges chose Brenda-Lee as overall winner.

But the police dog division must be congratulated for their active display in the blistering heat. While their audience sat comfortably on chairs provided or the grassy slope, the three officers put their dogs through their paces. Children were fascinated to see Jessie, a labrador-cross-retriever, sniff out explosives or weapons. All the dogs receive their training in Pretoria. Then it was the turn of Ice, a border collie, to find narcotics. The police asked children to sit in a circle and hid samples with one child. It was amazing to see how quickly Ice darted to each illegal item, without bothering the children at all.

The police officers and their dogs received loud applause for their display of excellent training.

Sunny bazaar

St Bernard's Catholic Church enjoyed a sunny day for their bazaar.

While ladies cooked pancakes in the kitchen, the hall was full of stalls, including books, cakes and tarts, second-hand goods, jewellery, sewing and knitted goods and a raffle.

Outside, there was a braai for the ever-popular boerewors rolls, a plant stall, fruit and veg, and a tea garden.

Children were busy with games, including a fishing game, locked boxes and a light-up circuit. Children could win prizes or buy toys and sweets or cupcakes or even have their faces painted.

Congratulations to everyone for all their hard work in making the day a success.

Our amazing grandpa

In grandpa's matric certificate from Manchester Grammar School, awarded in 1908, he studied English Composition and Literature, English History, Greek, Latin, French, Arithmetic, Algebra, Geometry, Physics, Chemistry, Hygiene - and got distinctions for Latin and Greek.

The local paper reported: "To write that the Farnworth Amateur Operatic Society "scores another success" would really mean that the society maintains the high standard we have come to associate with its productions. And this is the case with the production of "The Vagabond King" given in its first performance on Monday in the Ritz Theatre and continuing each evening for a week with a matinee on Saturday afternoon.

"Dennis L. Richardson made the old rogue, Tabarie, into a rich, ripe Lancastrian Falstaff of a Frenchman. Philosophy and facetiousness, comedy and cowardice, bravery and braggadocio, loyalty and love were all superbly mixed by Mr Richardson."

He was a major in the British army - surviving both first and second world wars. Eisenhowers message to the armed forces is a grim reminder of this past reality.