Olympic shopping

Shopping should really be an Olympic sport.

Competitors grab your trolleys. On your marks, get set, go! See them dodging the shelf-stackers, the dreaded floor polisher and reps with sausages-on-sticks. At speed, they fill the trolley with their lists of items, sprinting around the store, squealing around corners and nearly knocking elderly ladies away from the pick-'n-mix sweeties. Critics are forced to admit how tough the course actually is. Toilet roll pyramids tumble. Backed bean stacks topple. No one is left unscathed.

Then after a party with jelly and tennis biscuits, the medallists, get to go home and cook the stuff in the trolley for dinner. (Hopefully it is edible and not lightbulbs or dishwasher).

Ah. The Games. Reaching for dreams...the chocolate dreams...my favourites...

The Walk-Through

This is another invention (patent pending) for people who are just too tired at the end of the day to have a bath or shower. So on their way home from work, they stop off at the "Walk-Through" which is like a car-wash - but for people. Fully clothed, they are foamed, scrubbed, washed, rinsed, blow-dried (hair especially), teeth brushed and clothes pressed (while on) and steam-ironed. This would also be useful if you were running late for a date! So all you have to do is go home, collapse on your bed, or jump into the car with your date - depending on the state of urgency.


All marathon runners really look like they could do with some pampering from a "Walk Through"...

Roomful of puppies (patent pending)

This is my new invention. It's called a "roomful of puppies" (patent pending) and will replace all the loud, slow paper-shredders required by busy corporations with loud, fast and furry demolition teams.

No paper of any importance should be left in the Roomful of Puppies as this will instantly be shredded. Any furniture or items of clothing such as shoes, should likewise not be left in the Roomful of Puppies for any length of time as the Puppy shredders cannot be held accountable for their own puppy brains.

Similarly children with important homework should not leave this in the vicinity of the Roomful of Puppies as said homework will not only be shredded, but also often eaten to destroy the evidence.

Only the best Puppy shredders will be chosen of course - not according to pedigree - but according to their ability to destroy household furnishings, dig holes to China and shred anything from shells, to razors, toothbrushes and shoes.