Big Fat Love

By Peter Sheridan

Philo is a wonderful, fun, fat heroine, trying to make a new start for herself and her children by escaping an abusive marriage. And in the process she builds new relationships for others. Peter Sheridan’s character is so appealing, positive and life-affirming, one would almost miss the whole point of her own childhood trauma. A great Irish adventure that shows the wolves in their true clothing and heroism of little girls who don’t give up.

Star of the Sea

By Joseph O’Connor

At the beginning of the film, “Gangs of New York”, I thought, “Who could have written such bleakly cruel science-fiction?” But the reality of human cruelty is always more shocking than any fiction. “Star of the Sea” is an incredible, epic, unputdownable story of the potato famine in Ireland and attempts of thousands of people to survive by immigrating to America.

Ironically, I read this novel just after watching the film “A Beautiful Country” about the modern day horrors of emigrants fleeing Asia – stuck in steerage, dying of dysentery, typhoid and malnutrition. So in over a hundred years basically nothing has changed – only nationalities.

O’Connor has the intimate warmth of the old-fashioned storyteller sharing anecdotes at the fireside and this makes the horror of mass starvation unavoidable. The families in the story are not good or evil cardboard cutouts, but complex, irritating and admirable. And the images that are painted are so vivid, they remain long after the last sentence has been read. For example:

“I saw one elderly woman, little more than an agglomeration of rags, barely gain the gangplank only to die on the foredeck. Her children beseeched the Captain to take her to America anyway. No means were available to pay for her burial but they could not support the shame of dumping her body on the wharf. Her aged and crippled husband was lying on the quayside, too afflicted by famine fever to be able for the journey, a few hours short from death himself. He could not be asked to witness that sight as one of his last sights on earth.”

And…

“In one doorway an artist has been seated at an easel, trying to draw whatever was happening inside. A middle-aged Corkman, he had been commissioned by a London newspaper to go to Connemara and make pictures of the Famine. He was weeping very quietly as he tried to draw…This was not happening in Africa or India but in the wealthiest kingdom on the face of the earth…Nothing had prepared him for it: the fact of famine. The trench-graves and screams. The hillocks of corpses. The stench of death on the tiny roads.”

But what makes the novel so powerful is its focus on the major characters – the criminal, the aristocrat, the maidservant. They are touching and overwhelming. A stunning piece of work. 

Olympic shopping

Shopping should really be an Olympic sport.

Competitors grab your trolleys. On your marks, get set, go! See them dodging the shelf-stackers, the dreaded floor polisher and reps with sausages-on-sticks. At speed, they fill the trolley with their lists of items, sprinting around the store, squealing around corners and nearly knocking elderly ladies away from the pick-'n-mix sweeties. Critics are forced to admit how tough the course actually is. Toilet roll pyramids tumble. Backed bean stacks topple. No one is left unscathed.

Then after a party with jelly and tennis biscuits, the medallists, get to go home and cook the stuff in the trolley for dinner. (Hopefully it is edible and not lightbulbs or dishwasher).

Ah. The Games. Reaching for dreams...the chocolate dreams...my favourites...

The Walk-Through

This is another invention (patent pending) for people who are just too tired at the end of the day to have a bath or shower. So on their way home from work, they stop off at the "Walk-Through" which is like a car-wash - but for people. Fully clothed, they are foamed, scrubbed, washed, rinsed, blow-dried (hair especially), teeth brushed and clothes pressed (while on) and steam-ironed. This would also be useful if you were running late for a date! So all you have to do is go home, collapse on your bed, or jump into the car with your date - depending on the state of urgency.


All marathon runners really look like they could do with some pampering from a "Walk Through"...

Roomful of puppies (patent pending)

This is my new invention. It's called a "roomful of puppies" (patent pending) and will replace all the loud, slow paper-shredders required by busy corporations with loud, fast and furry demolition teams.

No paper of any importance should be left in the Roomful of Puppies as this will instantly be shredded. Any furniture or items of clothing such as shoes, should likewise not be left in the Roomful of Puppies for any length of time as the Puppy shredders cannot be held accountable for their own puppy brains.

Similarly children with important homework should not leave this in the vicinity of the Roomful of Puppies as said homework will not only be shredded, but also often eaten to destroy the evidence.

Only the best Puppy shredders will be chosen of course - not according to pedigree - but according to their ability to destroy household furnishings, dig holes to China and shred anything from shells, to razors, toothbrushes and shoes.

OLD FILTH

"Old Filth" by Jane Gardam is a brilliant book, with a title and jacket that misleads one into thinking it will be about corrupt modern life.

Instead it is the memory of the elderly, Sir Edward Feathers, of his life as a Raj orphan, international lawyer and judge.

If this fictional story seems appallingly too realistic in places, it may be due to the author's knowledge of Rudyard Kipling's Autobiography and friends who were Raj orphans or involved in wartime convoys.

The central character, Edward (aka "Teddy" or "Fevvers") endures and survives, not only World War II, but a childhood marked by abuse and neglect to become an esteemed judge. The title of the book is taken from Eddie's reference to himself as Failed in London, Try Hong Kong (Filth).

I picked up the book to read again as one of my favourites. Jumping into the narrative is like embracing an old friend. Despite the many painful memories of Old Filth, the writing is so beautiful, moving and humorous that the story is encouraging and uplifting. You want to meet Old Filth and in fact suspect that his character lies behind the faces of many elderly folk edging their way around horrendously hectic modern life.

Like the gentleman I saw today in black blazer and medals, collecting for the Memorable Order of Tin Hats (MOTH). As their Order states, their purpose is "to help fellow comrades in need, either financially or physically and to remember all servicemen who have answered the Sunset Call, both in war and peace time".

My daughter asked "What is that mom?" But she knows that her great-grandfather fought in the First and Second World Wars. Do generations forget so soon the freedoms bought at so high a price? Read "Old Filth" and remember.

Racing - Playstation or for real?

Top Gear's Jeremy Clarkson answered the question on everyone's lips: "If you can race really fast on Playstation - could you do the same thing on a real track in a real car?"

Well, maybe not everyone is asking that question. But I'm sure there are many sofa-race-car drivers and beanbag top-gun pilots who have always wondered whether they could cut the mustard in reality. And there are those simulation computer-type games used by the army, navy and NASA - aren't there?

So Jeremy timed himself on his Playstation race and then took off for the real track and timed himself again, and wouldn't you know it? He could not beat his Playstation time. He was really faster on the sofa than on the track. When it came to those scarey turns at high speed, he couldn't help braking.
One doesn't have those fears in a game.

In fact, I am extremely good at crashing on the very first Playstation turn, driving into railings, driving backwards, driving forwards - in the wrong direction - and generally losing every time I play my daughter. Which is why I never play racing games. She knows by now not to ask. She even says, "But mom, this time I'll let you win." But somehow even that is not enough.

Speed away Sonic Hedgehog and Crash Bandicoot. I know my limitations. I will stick to games I have half a chance of surviving the first round. Like Lego Starwars or Lego Batman. My character survives, even if I accidentally jump off cliffs. Oh, yes. Another thing I'm not so good at. Jumping - then there is flying. Navigation. It's best if she plays and I make helpful suggestions...

Sims - the 3D dolls

My daughter loves to play with the Sims. Her Sims are PG rated Castaways and she is always saying "Look at what I am calling this one", and designing new outfits, makeup and even faces for them. They have families and surprisingly sophisticated castaway homes. I wouldn't mind being one of her Sims, but couldn't understand the fascination with the game. Then the penny dropped.

We used to play with dolls. There was Barbie, also with wardrobe accessories, sold separately (always losing her shoes) and some kids had Ken or Action Men. Kids played pretend with dolls and these dolls had lives and families or in the case of boys' action figures, attacked the other dolls and their families. So the Sims is kind of another way of playing dolls, while kids also learn the processes involved in day-to-day living.

Now all I have to figure out is why adults are still playing with their Sim-dolls...?

From Colonel to OB1

I watched "Bridge over the River Kwai" starring John Gielgud (later Sir) of which I had vague childhood memories. And for a cold, winter afternoon, became totally immersed in the steamy Burmese jungle - slapping away mosquitoes. So beautiful and yet so cruel.

What an amazing actor. To think that Gielgud would later become known to an entire younger generation only as OB1 (or Ben Kenobi) in the first Star Wars epic is ironic. He portrays the colonel of a captured British force so convincingly - courageous, eccentric and totally confounding. (Only matched perhaps by Peter Sellers as Major Bloodknock in the Goon Show.) The story is moving, frustrating and brilliantly filmed.

Run to Lady Antebellum's grindingly good country

A deep, velvet voice grinds out the words:

"I run from hate
I run from prejudice
I run from pessimists
But I run to thee (this?)"

Then the creamy, silken tones:

"I run my life
Or is it running me?
Run from my past
I run too fast
Or too slow it seems"

Then combine the two:

"When lies become the truth
That's when I run to you"

And it's magic.

"This world keeps spinning faster/To a new disaster" is perfect harmony.
"When it all starts coming undone
Baby you're the only one I run to
I run to you".

Anything better? Maybe another dose with "I need you now"? Lady Antebellum is grindingly good country.

Amazing art

From portraits of babies, to lions glowing on velvet and stunning murals, local artist Gareth Humphreys creates work full of life, light and beauty.

He is also a sculptor and created a beautiful dolphin for Amber's Path. This is a unique area of its own, designed by a grandmother as a creative, fun area for her granddaughter, but then contributed to by other children in the community.

Gareth is a self-taught artist and has built up a portfolio for the past nine years that includes portraits from photographs, murals, landscapes, bathroom designs and painted mosaics. The music playing in the background alters according to the mood of the painting. As Rachmaninov plays in the background, he looks out from his studio over the ocean and paints or chats to passers-by.

But it has to be one of those still, warm days, with the sun shining off the sea. A sleepy Saturday or Sunday afternoon. Folk walking dogs, children riding bicycles and an artist, painting.
To see more of his work, visit http://www.southafricanartists.com/

Play with those toys!

I love toyshops. Walk in, sigh, feel right at home. And the best ones have all sorts of strange, odd, funny-looking things you can't figure out. My daughter and I say, "Look at this", "Try this" and we press buttons and play with things. I know it may irritate some store owners, but the most successful stores have their employees playing with the demonstration model of the toy - for very good reason! In any toystore, at any time of day, you will see parents and grandparents staring blankly at the box of an airplane, helicopter, robot, transformer etc and they look up, catch your eye and say "I don't know what this is. How does it work?" We chat about the toy and if they are brave enough, they collar a member of staff who also usually looks at the toy and turns the box over to find the brief English description among all the other languages on the back.

My sister and I walked through all the floors of Hamleys in London, watching all the toy testers playing with toys, enticing Christmas shoppers. Who doesn't revert to childhood in a toystore? Was it you pressing the buttons on the dinosaurs as you walked past? Then hearing the roars? Woah, cool! Now about the helicopter-speedboat-transformer - what does it really do? Can we find a 10-year old and ask?